A Long Time Coming
I had lunch with a good friend of mine recently, a White person with whom I have grown in friendship recently. As expected, the conversation of the current racial climate came up in conversation. Prior to this encounter, I had refrained from conversing about this subject except with close family and friends. I did not want the uneasy feelings or raw emotions, that I knew were present, to arise within me and to undoubtedly come forth. So I decided to share some logical questions that I had been processing. But, as I shared my thoughts my heart broke through and appeared.
As we spoke about it, he shared that he had had some difficult conversations with his friends and family about what White Supremacy is, how real of an issue it is, and the havoc that is brings our society. I thanked him for that support and asked him to continue in that work. After he assured me that he was committed to listening and learning, he got an unexpected earful from me. I moved from sadness and worry to anger and hurt within minutes. Before I knew it, my voice was elevated, I was speaking at a quickened rate, and I was fighting back tears (that last part I hoped he wouldn’t pick up on).
I tend to keep most of my opinions and feelings to myself. In that, it has taken me a while to feel comfortable sharing from the heart about this. If you continue reading, you’ll find a few of the emotions that I have been feeling recently. Either one at a time or all at the same time - and in an unpredictable pattern and frequency. So as we navigate this age in our nation’s history, know that I and countless others have experienced a myriad of emotions - and many other sentiments not confined to this list.
Overwhelmed: To every Black person that you know; this is a traumatic experience. We have been made to witness the death of brothers and sisters at the hands of those that are supposed to serve and protect, OVER AND OVER. Not only that, but we also have people ACTIVELY in obstruction of justice in regards to what happened, why it happened, and what it continues to happen. Still FIGHTING to keep me from the liberties and opportunities that I deserve. Then you have a whole population of people who are and indifferent and apathetic - showing only concern for self-preservation. Dealing with these realities is hard. Harder than most White people would think. But we press on - because that’s what we do. Right?
Exhausted: To witness and experience all that we have, to then have people wake up like it is new, and still be looked to to educate on this “newness” is tiring. Having to present as “ok” while at work and in other public interactions; enervating. The answer is no, most, if not all of us, are not “ok” and many are still trying to determine how to express their emotions (in an acceptable way because all else that we have tried has been incorrect).
Anxious: Fear of the police is real in my community. But apparently walking, running, driving, and even sleeping in my apartment should be added to the list. To have to think that I could be “mistaken” for someone else and potentially murdered is stressful. To have to think about being a missing person only to be found lynched is alarming. Living with the thought of “you never know” is scary. All while the majority of my peers will never have this trepidation surround them and their family.
Betrayed yet Relieved: Individuals that were friends but clearly do not truly support the cause at hand, may not actually be my friend. In many cases, these people were and are genuinely liked and appreciated for a myriad of reasons. But how can we remain friends with someone if you don’t care about me, my experiences, and want to protect my life like you want yours protected? How can I truly trust that you have my best interest at heart? It is nice that you have shown me who you are, but a third monkey-wrench of an emotion kicks in; GRIEF over the loss of what you once had and knew.
With all of that, I remain hopeful that the current state will bring about change. Appreciative to know so many who are standing with me and my people in this fight. Enthusiastic that countless individuals are having their eyes opened to the truth and accepting the fact that their perspective is not the only perspective. Anticipative that as more people become aware, things like hiring practices or inclusion in events and activities or housing policies will change. A fourth emotion: OPTIMISM.
To my Brothers and Sisters, continue to pull up the weeds of racism at the root - they just come back when you only chop off what you can see. Feel those emotions and express them. Not expressing them is what has gotten me in trouble - a lot of trouble. To my allies, thank you for your solidarity. Please continue to shake the tables where you are - that is the only way we will see change. Make those changes and continue to relearn how to see humanity. To my lunch friend, thanks for letting me unload some of my heart.
Like the photo I chose to represent this entry, it can feel like we’re in a room filled with nothing and nowhere to turn. But take heart and press. The time is now, friends.